Unlocking Anxiety: Needs, Words, and the Power of Mirroring

Anxiety. It's a feeling many of us know all too well. That knot in your stomach, the racing thoughts, the sense of unease that can take over your mind and body. But what if anxiety isn't just a random occurrence? What if it's connected to something deeper, something about our ability to express our needs and understand our own feelings?

It's been suggested that anxiety, in some cases, arises when people struggle to articulate their feelings effectively, perhaps fearing they'll come across as weak, or believing it's not okay to ask for what they want and need. There's a lot of wisdom in this idea.

The Foundation: Understanding Our Needs

Before we can express our needs, we have to know what they are. This might seem obvious, but it's a crucial point. Many of us go through life with only a vague sense of what truly nourishes us, what we long for in our relationships, and what we require to feel fulfilled.

The roots of this self-understanding, or lack thereof, are often embedded in our earliest relationships, particularly with our caregivers.

The Crucial Role of Mirroring

A developing mind needs facilitation. Of course, this includes activities like reading together or playing, which are indeed precious. But facilitation goes much deeper. It's about giving a child the opportunity to understand themselves through another's eyes. This is where the concept of mirroring, central to mentalization, comes in.

Mentalization is the capacity to understand our own and others' behavior in terms of underlying mental states (e.g., thoughts, feelings, desires, and intentions). It's about "mind-reading" in a healthy way, not in the sense of guessing what someone is thinking, but in the sense of recognizing that people do have inner worlds that drive their actions.

Mirroring plays a vital role in the development of mentalization.

How Mirroring Works

Infants and young children don't automatically know what they are feeling. They experience sensations, emotions, and impulses, but they need help to organize and make sense of these internal states. Caregivers provide this help through mirroring.

When a caregiver accurately reflects a child's inner state, the child begins to "see" themselves in the caregiver's response.

For example, if a baby cries and the caregiver responds with a soothing tone and says, "Oh, you're feeling sad," the baby's experience is being mirrored and given meaning.

Through countless interactions like these, children gradually develop the ability to:

  • Identify and name their emotions
  • Understand the connection between their feelings and their behavior
  • Develop a coherent sense of self

The Impact of Insufficient Mirroring

However, if caregivers are unable to provide consistent and accurate mirroring, the child may struggle to develop a clear understanding of their inner world.

This can have significant consequences:

  • Difficulty identifying and expressing emotions
  • Confusion about one's needs and wants
  • A sense of being misunderstood or invalidated
  • Increased vulnerability to anxiety and other mental health challenges

Anxiety as Unmet Needs

This is where the connection between anxiety and the inability to articulate needs becomes clearer. If you've grown up without a strong sense of self and an understanding of your emotional landscape, it's going to be difficult to:

  • Know what you need in a relationship
  • Ask for it directly and confidently
  • Cope with the fear of rejection or vulnerability

Instead, these unmet needs and unexpressed feelings may manifest as anxiety. The anxiety might be a signal that something is wrong, but the person may not have the tools to decipher the message.

Developing Mentalization and Reducing Anxiety

The good news is that mentalization can be developed and improved throughout life. Therapy can provide a powerful space for this to happen.

A therapist can act as a secure base and provide the mirroring and validation that may have been lacking in early relationships. Through this process, individuals can:

  • Increase their self-awareness
  • Learn to identify and express their needs
  • Develop healthier coping mechanisms for anxiety
  • Build more fulfilling relationships

If you struggle with anxiety, it's important to remember that you're not alone and that help is available. By exploring the roots of your anxiety and developing your capacity for mentalization, you can move towards greater emotional well-being.

References

  • Parkin, F. (2014). Breaking the Circuit: The Power of Empathy and Understanding Interlocking Racket Systems in Deepening Work With Couples. Transactional Analysis Journal, 44(3), 208-217.
  • Schore, A. N. (1994). Affect regulation and the origin of the self. Hillsdale, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
  • Siegel, D. M. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the mind interact to shape who we are (2nd ed). New York, NY: Guilford Press.